My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
