I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
