I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I feel like death gave me a hand job
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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