Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
