i think my tv is drunk
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
