Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
