the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
