my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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