Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
