Plan B is the new Plan A
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
