We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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