she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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