I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I deserve this hangover.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
