The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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