New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
