I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
