you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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