i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
