She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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