I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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