I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
