You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
