Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
