It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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