Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
