Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
