i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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