You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
