I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
