You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
