Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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