hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
