im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
