I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
