Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
