His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
