I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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