I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
