having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
