You smell like stripper and shame
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
