dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
