Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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