Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
