my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
