I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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