woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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