i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
