You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
