you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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