I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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