I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
